295 The Biker and the Hippie: Unlearning Self-Reliance to Find Our True Identity in Christ

On Codependency, the Bull in the China Shop, and the Custom Curriculum That Transforms Us Into Image Bearers

Aug 12, 2026

Good morning, and hello friends.

Some time ago, perhaps two or three weeks, a fellow brother asked me if I was codependent. My initial response was no. But I kept that response internal for a minute while I thought about why he asked me the question. I processed his question, the environment, and factored in a few other things. Then my answer came out. “No,” I replied.

Fast forward two or three weeks later. We circled back to his question and my initial response.

Before we continue, I want to review the meaning of the word “codependence.”

Codependency is an emotional pattern where I put another person’s needs, desires, and problems far ahead of my own. My self-worth depends on fixing, rescuing, or pleasing someone else, often at the cost of my own mental health and identity.

The signs are familiar. I say yes when I want to say no. I feel responsible for how others feel and act. I judge my value by how much I help. I shield loved ones from the consequences of their choices. I stay in draining situations because I fear being alone.

In my own words, it is when my sense of self gets tangled up in someone else’s problems. I feel responsible for their feelings, their choices, their outcomes. When I cannot fix them, I feel like a failure. My peace depends on their peace.

The term came from addiction recovery. Family members of alcoholics developed patterns of enabling and self-neglect. Over time, it expanded to describe any relationship where one person loses themselves in caring for another.

From a biblical perspective, codependency distorts the call to love and serve. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (ESV). But Galatians 6:5 says, “For each will have to bear his own load” (ESV). I can walk alongside someone. I cannot walk their path for them.

The danger is that I begin to operate as if I am the savior in someone else’s life. That role belongs to Yahusha alone. When I try to take His place, I set myself up for burnout and resentment. I also rob the other person of the opportunity to grow through their own struggles.

Healthy love gives. Codependency gives until there is nothing left. Healthy love has boundaries. Codependency has no walls. Healthy love trusts God with the outcome. Codependency tries to control it.

If we see these patterns, the first step is honest recognition. The second is turning to the Father and asking Him to restore our identity in Him. We are not defined by what you do for others. Weare defined by whose you are.

But here is another understanding of the word.

It’s a dynamic of when the person God wants you to be is in a toxic relationship with the person you used to be. The person you used to be was programmed by the empire, the person God wants you to be is the true you absent of all the lies, dings, dents, faults, hurt the empire has inflicted upon us. The relationship between these instances can be and often become toxic to one another when we begin our walk on the narrow path the Yahua is clearing for us as walkers of The Way.

Now, my brother went on to elaborate on the question he had posited before me a few weeks earlier.

“Shashue, you are codependent and God wants you to let that go.”

“Speak on brother, I am listening,” I responded.

He continues. “You have come through life thinking you have had to be a tough guy. One who needed to be tough because the world is a tough place. The world was mean. People hurt one another in various ways. You have felt in order to protect yourself and the ones that matter to you, that you had to be a certain way in the world.”

Then words like vulnerability, reliance on others, compassion, and caring were heard. Not heard in the sense that I embodied these things, but in the context of it being okay to embody these things. I was not allowing myself the opportunity to do so.

In other words, there is a mean Shashue and there is the loving and compassionate Shashue. One version was dominant and present most of the time. The other was deeply hidden away that very few got to know. I like to think of these two versions of Shashue as the Hell’s Angel biker concealing and protecting the peace and love hippie Shashue. Few ever get to meet or know the peace and loving hippie. But he was always there, just deeply hidden away from most for his own good.

So, this is the codependency that my brother in Christ had detected and that he wanted to bring my attention to.

Now, this is the sort of conversation that in any other setting or environment I may have understood as an accusation. It would have invoked a defensive or hostile response. But because of who he was, what he meant to me, and where I was, I understood it differently. I understood he was shining the light on what had been a blind spot for me most of my adult life.

Another way that I could say what he was saying is that my default stance of being self-reliant had been an obstacle in my drawing closer to God. And he was right. I know he is right because God had been working on me about this complex.

I have mentioned it briefly in a few articles. In “The Testimony of the In-Between,” I wrote about how my default stance of self-reliance, operating outside of God or others, was showing up in the ways I was interacting with people. I was moving through life assuming I would bear witness to His glory by setting out into the empire to achieve things. Then I would return with the fulfilled accomplishments to demonstrate the finished products of His grace. I was thinking and behaving as if only then would I be in a position to share the testimony of what He had done through me. After the obstacles were faced and crossed. After the doubts were mitigated and overcome. After the prayers were all answered.

In “The Known Destination, The Unseen Path,” I wrote about how the “how” is what distinguishes the work of the Father from that of our own efforts and resourcefulness. My mind, ever the tactician, immediately began drafting project plans. Budgets, timelines, logistics, the selling of things, the uprooting of a life. My mind wants a divine project plan. But God is less interested in my efficient execution of a plan and more in the state of my heart during the planning. Or the lack thereof.

In “The Furnace of Revelation,” I wrote about how He does not orchestrate the furnace to test the purity of the gold. He already knows the gold is there. He sees it, even when it is buried deep in the dark ore of my self-reliance, my fear, my stubborn pride. The furnace is not for His discovery. It is for mine.

And these are just a few of the many references.

So, yes, this is part of the custom curriculum that God has been laying before me. The specific path that He has asked that I walk with Him on.

Transforming from one who thinks he must move through the world independently of others and believing he was created to be utterly self-reliant on any and all things that were important to him. To becoming one that is utterly dependent on one being, God, for all that is important to me.

In case you were wondering, those are some pretty tough reigns to relinquish, friends. Intellectually, I get it. If I truly believe the things I say and pray to God about, why is this such a hard heart posture to release?

It occurred to me the other day when my brother circled back to the question and his word for me.

I have been operating in this mode with this complex since I was a young child. I did not know how to be that other guy, the hippie, peace and loving Shashue, by default. Yes, perhaps my children knew he was there. Close family members and a few friends. But these people also knew that version of me was not the one that left the house every morning to be in the world.

Let us put a pin in that thought for a minute and we will circle back to it.

Now, my friend’s question, his observation, and explanation. Why did God send him to share with me what God had already pointed to me?

Well, my friend is a bull in a china shop. God gives him the word and he delivers it. Sometimes it comes out awkward, but God has been working on him too and he is coming around to who he is. He delivers what has been placed in his heart and he does not do much dancing around. No dinner dates, loving caresses, and kisses. He simply drops it on you. He is rather direct and succinct in his delivery.

Someone else on the call likened his approach to a dinner date between two strangers but prospective mates. They show up for dinner at a fancy restaurant, greet each other right in front of the table in which they are about to be seated. But by the time the two sit down, his date’s dress has been dropped, laying gently lumped on the ground at her ankles beside the table. It happened so fast she does not even remember having loosened the shoulder straps that allowed her dress to slip off and onto the ground. That, my friend, is the bull in the china shop. If you did not know his heart, you would liken him to behaving inappropriately in the workplace. He might have even caught a sexual harassment charge or two in an empire setting. But when he proposed the question and delivered the word to me, we were not in an empire setting. We were in a Kingdom setting surrounded by others who love and follow Christ, Jesus, Yahuah, our redeemer, King, and Savior.

Having her seated at the table undressed before they realized what was happening. “Spiritual intimacy” was the phrase. They were both seated at the dinner table speaking to one another about their most intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. All in what seemed like over a supernaturally short period of time. “I have never spoken to anyone about this” is a phrase often heard when having a get together with my friend, the bull in the china shop.

Okay, so while you may be thinking at this point that the article is about my friend the bull in the china shop, it is not. I needed to provide the context and some understanding about who God created my friend, my brother in Christ to be, even if he had not realized it yet.

This article is about my thoughts on the conversation and experience with my friend about my codependency complex.

To sum it up at this point, this is not about my codependence on some other external significant other or a familial relationship like a mom or dad. Rather, it is about the codependent relationship between these two aspects of Shashue. The one that my kids and family know at the playground or at the family gathering, versus the one that the world meets at the grocery store, the streets of Philadelphia, or at the workplace.

God has been helping me to understand that I do not have to be the Hell’s Angel biker in the world. I can be the peaceful, vulnerable, loving hippie in the world.

Okay, so going back to my original statement. I intellectually get it. Check.

But how do I get there? I have been who I am for as long as I can remember. The transformation that God is asking of me is not one that I can fake by watching someone that represents what I think is the peaceful, vulnerable, loving hippie and mimicking their behavior. No, God sees right through that sort of fakery. The transformation needs to happen from a genuine heart posture. It begins at the heart and manifests outwardly. This is the way.

This is where I need to anchor myself in what Scripture says about identity. Because the truth is, the biker and the hippie are both masks. Neither one is the real Shashue. The real Shashue is the one that Yahuah intended before I was in my mother’s womb. The one that is being formed and shaped by the custom curriculum He has designed specifically for me.

Psalm 139:13-14 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (ESV).

I am not a mistake. I am not an accident. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The biker was not a mistake. The hippie was not a mistake. They were both survival mechanisms. They were both ways I learned to navigate a world that felt hostile. But neither of them is my true identity.

My true identity is found in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (ESV).

The old has passed away. The biker has passed away. The hippie has passed away. What remains is the new creation. The one that Yahuah is forming in His image. The one that is being transformed by the renewing of the mind.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (ESV).

The renewal of the mind. That is the custom curriculum. That is the furnace. That is the front porch lesson. That is the silence of Zechariah. God is not just changing my behavior. He is changing the way I think. He is changing the way I see myself. He is changing the way I see Him.

Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (ESV).

We are His workmanship. His masterpiece. His poem. The Greek word is poiema. It is where we get the word poem. We are not mass-produced. We are handcrafted. Each one of us is a unique expression of the Father’s creativity. The biker was a draft. The hippie was a draft. The final version is still being written.

Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (ESV).

We are image bearers. We were created to reflect Yahuah’s character to the world. The biker reflected His strength. The hippie reflected His love. But neither reflected the whole picture. The image of God is not either or. It is both and. It is strength wrapped in love. It is power tempered by compassion. It is justice seasoned with mercy.

The custom curriculum is designed to bring these two aspects into harmony. To integrate the biker and the hippie into one whole person. A person who can be strong without being hard. A person who can be gentle without being weak. A person who can stand firm in the face of the enemy while extending grace to the broken.

This is what my brother was pointing to. He was not accusing me of being codependent in the clinical sense. He was showing me that my self-reliance was a form of codependency on my own strength. I was depending on the biker to protect the hippie. I was depending on my own toughness to keep me safe. And in doing so, I was not depending on Yahuah.

The transformation He is asking of me is to release the biker’s grip. To let the hippie come out into the open. To trust that the Father will protect me in my vulnerability. To believe that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (ESV).

When I am weak, then I am strong. That is the paradox of the Kingdom. The world tells me to be strong, independent, self-reliant. The Kingdom tells me to be weak, dependent, reliant on the Father. The world tells me to protect myself. The Kingdom tells me to trust the Shepherd.

Psalm 23:1-3 says, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake” (ESV).

The Lord is my shepherd. Not my biker. Not my hippie. Not my self-reliance. The Lord. He leads me. He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness. My job is to follow. My job is to trust. My job is to let go of the reigns I have been clutching for so long.

This is the custom curriculum. This is the furnace of revelation. This is the front porch lesson. This is the silence of Zechariah. God is not just teaching me lessons. He is transforming my identity. He is reshaping me into the image bearer He intended me to be before I was in my mother’s womb.

The biker and the hippie are not enemies. They are brothers. They have been at war for too long. The custom curriculum is bringing them to the same table. Teaching them to work together. Teaching them to reflect the full image of the Father.

Colossians 3:9-10 says, “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (ESV).

The new self is being renewed. It is a process. It is not instant. It is not a switch that flips. It is a daily dying to the old self. It is a daily putting on of the new self. It is a daily surrender of the biker’s grip so that the hippie can breathe.

So, my prayer this morning sounded something like this.

Father God Most High,
I thank You for Your patience, time, and attention.
Thank You for setting me free from the burdens of what the empire has asked of me,
So that I can become the one You intended for me to be,
Before I was even in my mother’s womb.
Thank You for helping me find the graceful balance
Between these two extremes of the pendulum’s swing,
So that I may bear Your image in the precise manner in which Your will intends.
Father God, help me rebuke this spirit of self-reliance that has a grip on me.
“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’ And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, ‘You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.’” (Mark 9:24-25, ESV)
I will not pretend that I can achieve this on my own without You.
My ears are inclined to Your word and guidance,
My heart is reoriented to love and grace.
I understand and believe You do not expect perfection to warrant Your love.
In fact, You manifest most boldly when we are at our weakest and at our wits end.
In the mighty name of Yahusha the Messiah I pray these words.
Amen and amen.

That is all, and thank you for reading.

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